Black and White Days
by Xonze
Summary: It's summer and Richard Castle is thinking about how things were going.
1. Black and White Days

There was no clicking of keys coming from the front room of a large house which sat mere feet away from the ocean, and had a view some might kill for. It wasn't that view that was causing the lack of work being done, nor was it the insanely gorgeous July day. No, it was a more internal battle that was keeping Richard Castle from his work.

He stared at his computer screen, slack jawed and tired. There was a pit in his stomach that he just couldn't get rid of and the sun that was shining through the large rounded windows to his left was almost painful and seemed to be without color. He was alone at the moment, meaning to actually get some work done but it had been almost three weeks and what he had written in that time could probably fit on a bar napkin. This wasn't right. Nothing had worked out like it should have and what could he do exactly? It was too late; too goddam late. A sharp sigh escaped him and he had to work at making his hands move enough to close his laptop.

It closed with a click, the painful white glare of the blank page disappearing, and he finally looked out into the room he had been sitting in for the last three hours. It was filled with bookshelves, all full of hundreds upon hundreds of books; his own personal library. He had dreamed of having such a thing when he was little, but now it didn't matter at all. He didn't want to read any of them, in fact he really felt like tearing them apart, especially the romance books that he picked up from time to time for his Mother. For some reason he could see those books the most clearly out of all of them.

This shouldn't have happened. None of this should be going the way it is, and he wished to God that he could shut off his brain. His thoughts were killing him, slowly and in excruciating pain. He was torturing himself better than anyone ever could and he wasn't sure how much more he could take of it. He felt ill, his stomach grumbling and his body tingling.

He took a glance to the hall which lead to the kitchen but didn't move. He wasn't hungry, he hadn't been hungry the past two days and the only thing he had managed to eat were a few pieces of toast. The shrimp and lobster he had brought for the trip were probably already going bad. Did it matter? Not one damn bit.

He reached over and sat his laptop on the table beside the chair he was in and sunk into the heavy padding. He'd just stay here, just sleep here all summer. Yeah, he had a book due soon but that was just one more thing to worry about, and he was sick and tired of worrying and of thinking and writing. He mumbled a curse and brought a hand to his forehead.

She had called. A week ago, early morning and he answered without looking at his cellphone, expecting it to be Alexis. It wasn't, it was her. She was… he wasn't sure exactly what she was doing other than she seemed to just want to talk, to see how he was doing. He didn't really want to talk to her though because he was positive Demming was with her, probably at his beach house. Maybe not in the room, but he was there. It was confirmed with how quickly she got off the phone after talking his ear off for a few minutes. Well, not confirmed, but he had a pretty good guess.

He turned his cellphone off after the call. He didn't want another one of those, because it killed him a little inside listening to her, listening to how happy she seemed. He didn't want to deny her the happiness she had, he loved it when she was happy, when she was smiling. At him. That wasn't happening anymore, but at least she was happy. That was good.

He felt his eyelids droop and didn't fight them like he had been the past couple of days. This wasn't like him, he should not be feeling like this over some damn girl. He wasn't even this depressed when he was divorced, perhaps because it was a bit of a relief but he hadn't even dated this girl. Why was it hurting so much?

"Rick?" He looked up and turned toward the hall, his neck aching as he did so and he rolled his head slightly trying to relieve the pinch.

Standing in the hall was Gina, his ex-wife that was suppose to be keeping an eye on him and make sure that his book got done. She wasn't doing to much of that. For the most part she just yelled at him to stop moping around before going out shopping or to go nail some guy down by the beach. He really wished he had said no to her coming with him, and been firm. He couldn't though, he was still too thrown by what she had said even though he was trying to not the show it. God, it took a lot not the show it and he was sure he failed once or twice. She didn't even notice.

"What, Gina?" He asked, his voice not sounding like his own. It was tired, old, and a bit sickly. He placed a hand to his forehead for a moment again. It didn't feel like he had a temperature which was a plus.

"Are you all right? You look pale and you're not writing."

"Don't worry about me," He said and waved her off. "I'm fine, just a little tired."

"How's the book coming?" She asked in that boss like voice she liked to use sometimes… well actually she liked to use it all the time. He hated that voice.

"Fine, it'd be going better if you would stop asking me every fifteen minutes when you're in the house."

"Why the hell are you so snippy?" She said, and leaned against the doorframe. "I know you haven't been writing much."

"How could you? You're not even here ninety percent of the time." He said, his voice finding some of its strength again. He was not going to listen to her; he was not in the mood to deal with her hyperbolic bullshit that she liked to spout sometimes. Especially when she tried to make it seem like she gave a damn.

"Because I checked your laptop." She said matter-of-factly and gave him a smirk. Of course she did, the sneaky… he didn't finish the thought because it didn't matter. None of this did right now and he shook his head.

"Okay, whatever. Don't worry I'll have it done. Going out?" He asked hoping beyond hope that she was.

"Yes, I met a nice young man at a cafe the other day and we're going out."

"So is this one above eighteen?"

"Possibly. I expect at least two pages to be ready for review when I get back."

"Good, then if I'm lucky I'll have all summer." He said and she gave a mock laugh before leaving. Her heels clicked on the wooden floor for a moment before the front door opened, the alarm beeped, and the door slammed closed.

He was alone again.

He was always alone because writing was a lonely job, his life was a lonely life, except for his daughter and mother. He could only trust them to actually be with him. They actually loved him and he loved them with all his heart. He knew love very well, and he hadn't felt it with Meredith or Gina. But he was feeling the heartache ramifications of what he thought was real love right now.

It was the second time that he had this happen to him. Kyra had left and he didn't go after her. It was always him, always his fault for being late. God why was he such an idiot?

He never truly got over Kyra and here it was happening again. What could be done though? There were just so many questions running through his head that he couldn't quite get a grasp on any of them. Except for one: would he go back?

The very idea made his chest hurt. He couldn't do it—he couldn't sit there helping her and then see her run off with her boyfriend. Hearing about it was painful enough, watching it? How could anyone deal with that in their face everyday? If he could just kind of like her this wouldn't be such a problem, but no, every time he tried to focus on something else Demming and her seemed to find their way back into his thoughts. He should be having fun, he should be out at the clubs finding some woman to spend some time with. He should be writing.

He looked over to his laptop, the light on the side looked almost to be breathing. He couldn't write now, especially with where he was in the book. Schlemming and Nikki were together in the chapter and he didn't want to write another damn word. If he could he'd bring gunmen in, crashing through the windows and shooting him dead. That wouldn't work; it was all wrong. He couldn't kill him, he couldn't hurt Nikki like that right now. He frowned at the thought, a year ago he would of done and not cared. Hell he killed off Derek just because he was bored.

He knew he had changed in a lot of ways, and that was partly why he liked working with her. She made him change and he made her change. Both were changed for the better, but what more could he do? There was only so much change in him that he could make. It wasn't enough—she wasn't with him and he lost in a game that he started late in. It was his fault.

He stood, wobbling slightly as his legs found their strength again and walked out of the room, making his way to the kitchen. He still wasn't hungry but his cellphone was there, sitting on the butcher block counter, charging. He picked it up, looking at the green battery before unplugging it.

It was still off and he kind of wanted to keep it off but he was sure Alexis had called at least once and he really would like to talk to her. He wasn't worried about an emergency with her as the school had the house phone. That was the only reason he didn't have a problem turing his cell off.

He held down the button, the familiar apple logo appearing for a second before the main screen showed up. Twenty-six messages? Wow, he had expected three, maybe four at the most. He hit the button and placed the phone to his ear, looking out the window.

The first one, was to his great surprise, from Beckett. She was calling to see how things were and wanted him to call her back. That wouldn't happen, they were friends, but he couldn't deal with hearing from her, or how happy she was while he was still trying to figure out where to go from here. He deleted the message.

The next one was from her… as was the one the after. Almost half the messages were from her over the course of the past few days. The last one struck him, making him narrow his eyes in confusion.

"Castle, look I'm getting worried, could you please just give me a call back? Please?"

He repeated the message, listening to the timestamp, it was from yesterday at seven p.m. What was she worried about? He wasn't her concern anymore, all she needed to worry about was Demming, he could take care of himself. Yet, he let a bit of hope creep in as the next message began to play. Maybe she cared for him slightly more than a friend… or not. She was with Demming, it was over and hoping for something more was only going to make the pain worse.

"Dad, it's me. Is everything okay? Detective Beckett called to see if I knew anything about why you weren't answering your phone. Why aren't you picking up your phone? Give me a call, Dad, I'm worried." He backed out of the messages and went to his speed dial. Kate had called Alexis? For what?

"Hey sweetie," He said when he heard a tired hello echo through the phone. "You haven't seen that boy again have you?"

"Dad, what's going on?" Her voice sounded worried, almost distraught and that took him a bit by surprise. "You don't sound like yourself."

"I'm fine, honey, just been working hard." He said forcing a smile as he let his eyes gaze out over the wavering beach grass that seemed to stretch on for miles in some directions. The horizon beyond was filled with clouds that were starting to take on the hues of purple, red and orange.

"Really?" She sounded a bit doubtful and he smiled a real smile for once. She could read him like a book when he lied.

"Well, I'm trying to. Having a tough time with Nikki Heat and the chapter I'm on."

"Why was your phone off?"

He sighed, telling her a story about trying to work and that he wanted no distractions wasn't going to work. She knew how he loved being connected, and he hadn't even Twittered since he got to the house. Telling her the truth was almost as bad. He knew he was being childish about it, but he couldn't help it. He just didn't want to hear from anyone, especially Beckett who seemed to be calling a lot, which really wasn't like her. He opted for the truth in the end. She'd be able to tell if he was lying so he might as well explain it only once.

"I.. I didn't want to talk to anyone for bit." He said, holding his voice steady.

"Okay, now I'm worried." Alexis said and she sounded it. "Have you talked to Beckett yet? She sounded a little worried too when she called, saying she hadn't heard from you in a while, even after calling you a number of times."

"No, and I don't really want to right now. Like I said I'm just trying to work."

"Are you? How much have you written so far, Dad?"

"Quite a lot," He said knowing she'd see right through. He wished she would believe him.

"Mhm, maybe I should come home early."

"What? No, you are staying put, missy and there is no discussion on that."

"But Da—"

"Alexis, I'm fine, really. I am just having some trouble with writing at the moment. You don't have to worry about me, okay? It's my job to worry about you and that little friend of yours." He said trying to get back the humor in his voice.

"There isn't anything going on with me and him," She said and from there the conversation changed from subject to subject, almost as if they hadn't talked in years. It was Alexis who finally had to say goodbye and he felt a bit more pain well up inside of him. He missed her terribly.

"Sorry, I have to get to bed, it's going to be insanely busy tomorrow. Will you keep your phone on? I'll be able to talk again tomorrow."

"Of course, I'll be looking forward to it. Goodnight sweetie."

"G'Night dad," She said and the call dropped. He brought the phone down from his ear and stared at it. He'd leave it on, even if Beckett did call. He might even pick up when she did, just to see what she wanted.

Dropping the phone into his pocket he walked out the french doors and onto the deck. The setting sun felt warm on his skin and he already could feel the stickiness of sweat as it began to build along his forehead and back. It was going to be a hot, humid night. He breathed in deeply, closing his eyes.

Things couldn't always be all right all the time. If he went back and worked with Beckett again there would be good times still. They'd just be mixed with the bad times as well. Her love life wasn't any of his business, just as his wasn't any of hers but both had it thrusted in their faces.

He let out the breath he was holding and rested his arms on the wooden rail. He had to change even more, he thought, he needed to settle down some. He never realized how painful it may have been for her when he brought up his dates, and she hadn't realized how much it hurt for him to see her.

She got the better part of a bad deal, she didn't have to watch it but that didn't make it better. He had lost her. That didn't mean he couldn't be her friend and friends supported each other didn't they? He could hate Demming all he wanted, she was with him and that probably wouldn't change, but he didn't hate her. If the Demming stuff was kept out of sight he might be able to deal with working with her again. Might be able to.

His phone vibrated in his back pocket which made him jump slightly. He reached back, bringing the iPhone around to the front and looked at the name. Beckett. He felt that pit in his stomach come back and he felt ill again as his mind wandered to what her and Demming were doing.

"Castle," He said keeping his voice as steady as he could. There was no answer for a moment until an unsure voice came back over.

"Hey, it's Kate."

"I saw," He said smiling at the sound of her voice. "So, what's up Detective? Things going well in your life?" Well, that was a loaded question and he already wished he hadn't asked it.

"Okay, I guess, all things considered. How's the Hamptons?"

"Eh, wouldn't know, been working too hard."

"Oh, right, your book. How's that going?"

"Pretty well so fair, at a tough chapter at the moment but I'll get through it."

"Oh," She said and there was a long pause, a long awkward pause that he wished would end. "So you're a hard guy to get a hold of, you know that?"

He chuckled into the phone. "Yeah, sorry, like I said, been working pretty hard.

"Yeah."

"So, any new and exciting cases since I left?"

"Some," She said with a small laugh. "A girl was hanged off a rooftop by a piece of telephone wire."

"Oh, gruesome, were you able to solve it?"

"Yeah, turned out it was her best friend. They were fighting over the same guy and our vic won." He smirked, he wouldn't mind killing Demming… he shook the thought from his head.

"Well, I'm glad to hear you're doing so well without me there." He said, meaning it as a joke, but he wasn't sure how she would take it.

"I've always have done well, you just made it a little easier." He was pretty sure she was smiling. "I was lucky with this case, Demming pointed me in the righ—Sorry."

"For what?" He said, trying his best not to sound hurt. That pit in his stomach turned into a black hole.

"For, uh… I didn't mean to bring that up."

"Why not? He helped on the case. Nothing wrong with giving credit where credit is due."

"Yeah."

"Yup, hey sorry but I gotta run, I have something on the grill."

"Oh yeah, sorry to keep you." She paused as if there was something more she wanted to say and so he waited. "Castle, do you think we could meet and talk sometime soon?"

Talk? He was pretty sure it would have something to do with Demming. He did want to see her though and if Demming wasn't there he would love to see her again.

"About what?"

"Us."


	2. White and Black Days

She couldn't breath; she couldn't think and the nervous feelings that had built up the entire way across the station disappeared in to her stomach before it dropped twenty-three floors and crashed. She squeezed the bottle in her hand just a bit tighter and if she had been thinking clearly she would have been worried about breaking it. She wasn't though. The only thing going through her head was Gina was standing next to him, looking much too happy. They weren't suppose to get along. She was his ex and they weren't allowed to be getting along, not now at least. He couldn't have waited a minute, just one more minute and everything may have played out differently. There wasn't one though and she couldn't decide what to do.

Had she made such a huge mistake? She broke up with Demming because she felt like she wanted something else—someone else. And now, watching them walk away, her heart smashed in a thousand pieces. She thought she was going to be ill. She needed to say something, anything before he was out of sight.

"See you in the fall?" She asked, the last of her strength going out with the words. If he said no what would she do then? Her defenses were gone and she was numb, but a 'no' could bring back all the feeling in her, all the pain. A 'no' would kill any hope that she was allowing herself right then with that question.

"See you in the fall." He said and turned back to her, that grin on his face. Her heart mended oh so slightly with those five words. He'd be back, it wasn't the end. Was it the end of what they could be though? It was his ex he was going to the Hamptons with and what was she doing? Not a damn thing because she broke it off. It was the right thing to do, she knew that. It wasn't fair to Demming to continue on when she wasn't completely in it. What also wasn't fair was the God hated her and she had bad timing.

She sat down heavily beside her desk, taking Castle's usual chair, as the couple disappeared around the corner. She couldn't think or talk, the only thing she was aware of was the hole building inside her. It wasn't suppose to be like this. After everything it shouldn't have ended like this.

Swallowing hard she placed a hand to her forehead and leaned against her desk. She could feel her throat hitching slightly with each breath and she felt like she was going to break down. Over Castle. It was almost funny to think that, but there was no laughter in her and she wasn't sure she would be again anytime soon. They would be together all summer. A lot could happen in a summer—a lot she didn't really want to think about.

"Hey," The voice was soft and Kate had to clench her teeth to keep the tears back. She knew the voice but she couldn't look up because she was sure the look she was getting would disarm her. "Kate, I'm sorry."

"It isn't right," she said and sniffed back the tears again, her nose was running and she could feel a small ache beginning to build in her cheekbones and upper jaw. She didn't want to talk right now.

"No, it's not," Lanie said in that same soft voice and Kate felt Lanie's hand wrap around the fingers of her left hand. "What were you going to tell him?"

She sniffed again and a low snort escaped her nose as mucus filled her throat and she swallowed. She looked up to Lanie and could feel those familiar distraught feelings crop up. She blinked a few times and a few tears fell free, running in thin streaks down her cheek. Kate knew she must look horrible, and that was okay because she was feeling pretty damn horrible at the moment, but if she did Lanie didn't take notice.

"I was—I was going to tell him…" Her voice wasn't steady and she mumbled a curse before taking a deep breath trying to get herself under control. She was not going to be this upset over Castle. She was not, and that was all there was to it. She continued to repeat that over and over in her head, but it helped very little.

"Kate, what were you gonna tell him?" Lanie's entire expression was of concern, her eyes were wide and watching and Kate was beginning to hate all the eyes on her. She could feel them as they stared though the small window by the door. They meant well; they understood, but she couldn't really take it. She was beginning to feel like an animal at the zoo… ooh look at that poor sad panda, she's not happy at all. Let's goggle at her.

"That… I didn't want him to leave. That Demming and I were done."

"You broke up with Demming?" Lanie asked and Kate wasn't surprised by the sound of her voice. She couldn't believe it entirely right now either. She really should be committed into an institution or something. She couldn't speak though and so shook her head quickly a few times, her lips tightening against her teeth as she felt another onslaught of pain rush through her.

"Oh, honey," Lani said and moved in closer, gathering Kate up in a tight hug. She didn't break then either, but she felt like she was close. She gave a shuddering breath against Lanie's shoulder and bit down on her lip. A moment passed and she pulled away, wiping at her nose and Lanie's hands were still on her shoulders.

"If you want, I can go track him down and drag him back here like the idiot he is." Lanie said offering a half smile which Kate tried to return but she didn't think she did a very good job. "I could take out his ex-wife too."

"No," She said, though the thought did have it's appealing side. She was thinking now about the whole exchange, how the words were phrased. Could Gina only really be there just for the book? She didn't know and hoping that she was could only cause more pain if it turned out she was there for something more. She so wanted to hope that it was nothing more than work. God! She so wanted to hope but her mind wouldn't let her. "Thank you though."

"I'm here for you, you know that? We all are." Lanie said and squeezed her shoulder. It was reassuring and seemed to restore the little bit of strength that she needed to stand again. She turned and pulled her jacket from the back of her chair and picked up the bottle of beer she had sat on her desk.

"I know, but I need some time on my own right now," She said and took a deep swig from the beer bottle. It was not her brand and it felt like it burned her throat a little but it didn't matter. Any alcohol was good alcohol right now. "I—I'll talk to you later okay?"

"Kate, where are you going?"

"Home, I promise. Just home to sit in the dark for a little. I need to think." She said and took another hit from the bottle and drained it. She sucked in a lung full of air and dropped the bottle back to her desk. "I'll call you."

"You better," Lanie said and Kate nodded, quickly leaving the bull-pen in the opposite direction that Castle had taken.

She did go home like she had said and was now sitting in the dark with all the shades drawn. It was cool in the dark and she could think in the dark. She didn't really want to though as her thoughts kept going back to them walking away. Arm across lowerbacks and sauntering right out the door.

He'd be back.

He said that he would be back in the fall, but could she really deal with him being with Gina all summer? She had wanted to be the one to go with him but she has messed that up too. She was too late; too goddam late.

Sitting on her bed with her knees against her chest she stared out into the darkness, seeing nothing but replays of that last conversation. That bastard. That bitch. Just a minute more and things might have turned out okay, but no—things just couldn't work out for her, could they? God forbid Kate Beckett is happy, no, can't have that because then she'd actually smile and laugh and enjoy her life. Instead she was sitting in her room fighting back tears that seemed to be never ending in their pursuit to break her.

Another shuddering breath escaped her and she was surprised how much that happened. She didn't dwell on it much before she tilted over, dropping her head down on her pillow; the coolness enveloped her and dried the wetness on her cheeks for a moment.

Her entire face was aching and she blinked away the building water around her eyes. She was alone now and she could cry it out if she really wanted to and she did, but something was stopping her from completely going over the edge. That strong part of Kate Beckett was still there—still trying to keep her safe. She could feel herself shutting down, closing out feeling as best she could. Small tears were running out the corner of her eyes and soaking the pillowcase, the fabric becoming wet and sticking to her cheek. She hated crying and she hated even more that she was so upset over Castle.

The guy annoyed her and drove her nuts on a daily basis. He couldn't take anything seriously… well that wasn't completely true. He could turn it off when he needed to and she loved him for that. She truly loved how he could make her feel sometimes. How he could break through her stonewall and get a smile out of her. How they worked so well together; him and Gina couldn't work nearly as well as her and Castle could. No one could. She closed her eyes at that thought.

Sleep found her slowly, almost as if it was being cautious in case she decided to lash out, but she welcomed it. Sleep was an escape from the feelings that were causing her stomach to swirl like a whirlpool. She hadn't ate anything since that morning and even though she still felt sick she knew she wasn't going to be. She closed her eyes just a bit tighter as a few choice words found their way in her head: Life never hands us more than we can handle.

She couldn't handle this though, she couldn't handle losing and messing things up for herself over and over. Demming was gone, she had killed that relationship like a cat on a mouse. She felt like she had lead him on or something and possibly she did but that wasn't her intent. She cared about him and loved being with him. It just wasn't fair.

She opened one eye and looked out at her alarm clock, the green numbers were blurred but she could easily read one-thirty. She wondered what Castle and Gina were doing, probably in bed with each other… or not. She chewed on her bottom lip, letting a new bout of sleep to wash over her and she may have nodded off for a few moments, she didn't know. What she did know was that Castle and Gina had never gotten along well and she was the most sexless relationship he had ever been in. He said that and he seemed almost embarrassed about it which meant it could be true. But she couldn't shake the feeling that they really could be together again, giving it another try.

Sleep finally came completely, taking her in one smooth motion, but it was uneasy for she did dream. She dreamt about Castle and Gina together, in bed with each other and she had to watch. They didn't care that she was there. They were laughing; giggling away with each other as the bed squeaked. It was disgusting and she wanted to leave but could not. Her legs were locked to the chair, her eyes locked on their every movement. Castle was laughing but he didn't look happy when his eyes found her. He seemed pained almost, even as a laugh escaped his open mouth there was no smile there. They didn't stop, it was all a show to them.

It was a nightmare to her and she woke with a jolt, her body slick with sweat. She squeezed her hands into fists and slammed them on the bed as hard as she could. She hated him right now. Why did it take her so long? Why didn't she just blurt it out when they were in the hall? She knew something was there all along and yet she continued to deny it because she was afraid. Afraid of exactly this, that he'd walk out with the shattered pieces of her heart.

Bringing a hand up to wipe at her eyes she noticed that it was day, and not just early morning day but it looked to be almost noon. Her room was still mostly dark except for the streaks of light that forced themselves out the sides of the shades. She glanced over to her clock and her suspicion was confirmed: eleven-fortyeight showed faintly on her alarm clock, fighting the rays of sun.

She threw off the covers, her legs were slick with sweat as well and the only thing she could think of was that she needed a shower. If she was lucky she may just drown in it, then it wouldn't matter much would it? Again, she reminded herself, it wasn't worth it. She felt that he was in some ways, but her mind was telling her no. That part of her that had protected her for so long was already well at work to demonize Castle, to remind her why she shouldn't open up. She sighed as she swung her legs off the bed and stood.

The floor was cold against her bare feet and she ran her hand along the side of her face as she went, wiping at the sweat and tears that seemed to have left a film on her cheek. The new apartment had its own bathroom in the master bedroom and that was where she was headed. Just a quick shower, something to clear her head.

She reached in and turned the hot all the way on and only gave a slight twist to the cold. Steam began to pour out of the bottom of the tub as she stripped out of her clothes. She stopped once she had her night shirt off and stared at the mirror as something in it caught her attention.

Her reflection wasn't of herself, it was pale and puffy, and the area around her eyes and collar bone were red. She looked almost sick which didn't surprise her as most of last night she had felt quite sick. She shook her head, her reflection doing the same and got into the shower.

The water was hot, much to hot and she had to fight back a yelp as she reached forward and turned the knob for the hot water down some. God, she felt like she was a mess.

The shower woke her up some and made her actually feel human again, not just a bundle of nerves and shattered glass. She did have a slight headache peaking at the back part of her skull which didn't surprise her. She always got headaches when she tried not to cry. She didn't feel like crying anymore though, no that old and hard part of her had taken over. Walls had been built over night and while they weren't nearly as strong as the old ones they did offer some protection from the roaming hordes of emotions that seemed to crawl around outside her heart.

She toweled off quickly and got dressed with the same speed. She needed to get to work and she was already late, but she figured they would understand at least a little. She did just have a part of her broken in half, didn't she? Work would be her escape, her way out of her head for a while. Her bed could keep her secrets of how badly she was hurting but that shell was back and so she could hide behind it at work.

It had only been one night but she missed him already.

She left her room and went to the kitchen and stood at the threshold, her eyes glancing over everything including the coffee and she felt sick just thinking about eating or drinking any of it. She swallowed hard and left. If she got hungry she'd find something at the precinct, but she doubted she would be. She made her way out of the apartment, running on autopilot.

Her car started easily enough and to her great surprise she got to the station in record time, apparently someone somewhere was taking a little pity on her. To bad it didn't last night.

The station was quiet and her eyes went quickly to her desk and the chair beside it. For a moment she thought she saw him sitting in it. Her heart shot up in hope and fell just as quick when she looked again and realized it was just Esposito. He turned as he must have heard her footsteps and he offered a small, waning smile which she didn't return.

"Hey, Beckett," He said slowly, watching her and she was wishing he'd stop it.

"Esposito. I guess no one was killed in the night?" She walked around her desk and took her seat. It was in the right place… just as she had left it.

"You tell me," He said that same smile still fighting to stay on his lips. She was beginning to hate that smile even though she knew he was trying to be sensitive to her. She wanted him to stop. She didn't need pity or anything of that sort, it was just Castle and she had cried it out of her last night.

"Not by my hand, if that's what you mean. Don't you have paperwork to do or something?" She asked looking over to him, her eyes narrowed. She just wanted him to go right now. Getting buried in paper work was the crux of her plan today and she wanted to get started as soon as she possibly could.

"Good, then I won't be needing these," He said the smile becoming full as he held up his handcuffs and put them back on his belt. She allowed a small smile to break through even though it felt painful. "I gotta say, I'm little surprised to see you here already. I mean after—"

"I know what you mean, and I know you're trying to help but I really just want to get my paperwork done and go home again." She said cutting him off, but not looking at him. Instead her eyes were glancing over the folder upon folder that sat piled on her desk. This was going to take awhile and that was good.

"Okay, I get it." He said and stood up but didn't leave right away. She turned to see what he was doing and found him staring at her, a worried expression on his face. "Beckett, you know he doesn't know you and Demming broke up, right?"

"How do you know about that?" She asked but already knew it was probably all over the station, along with how Castle had just walked out on her. It was like a goddam soap opera. She couldn't wait until they got ahold of the cover art for Naked Heat or even learned the title of the new book. That bastard.

Esposito rolled his shoulders after placing a mug down on her desk that she didn't noticed him carrying. It didn't surprise her much though, she wasn't noticing a lot right now. "Maybe you should call him. Just a suggestion."

"You sure do make a lot of suggestions lately," She said a little more harshly than she meant but he just shrugged, as if saying that was what he did.

He left without another word, walking quickly over to his desk and she let her eyes follow him. Ryan was still at his desk, watching her, a frown heavily embedded in his face. She at least still had them, her boys. They'd always stick around for her, and she allowed herself one last smile as she picked up her phone and dialed a number she already knew she'd be dialing a lot this summer. There was no answer though. Maybe they were busy again. She hung the receiver up just a bit too hard and knew some were looking at her. Oh well.

"Yo, we got a murder." She looked up to see Esposito standing and looking at her, almost as if asking if she was up to it.

She was. She was happy to have something to take her mind off everything, but even as she stood to get her jacket she missed him. It was going to be a long summer, she already knew that and she wasn't sure if she'd be okay at the end of it. She needed to talk to him though just for her own sake, but it would take her almost a month to work up the nerve to call him and actually get ahold of him.


	3. Mr Pitiful

A warm evening wind washed over Rick as he sat on the beach looking out at the ocean and contemplating just what the hell he was doing. He leaned back in the wooden slat chair, his laptop perched on his thighs and he looked up into the twilight. It was quiet again and Gina was no were to be found. He liked it that way. He still didn't know what he was thinking asking her to come along. Then again he hadn't really asked so much as been told she was coming. He should have just came alone, but then he'd have been wallowing in his own misery more than he already was. She was doing her job and keeping him on task… or at least keeping his face turned toward his laptop.

The stars were just starting to shine through in the darker blue of the gradient sky. It was quite pretty and it looked to be a clear night, the perfect night for fireworks. He still had some left over fireworks from Memorial Day, sitting in the downstairs closet, just calling him to go celebrate the Fourth. He couldn't though, he was still not in a celebrating mood and he knew why. It was the same reason he wasn't in a writing mood. It was Beckett. It was really Beckett and Heat ganging up on him and it was starting to get on his nerves. What? Thinking about one of his girls with another guy wasn't enough?

Beckett wasn't his girl. His throat closed slightly at the thought.

It had been two days since he talked to her on the phone and lied about having something on the grill. Thinking about that he realized he was starving but he still didn't want to eat. He tried of course, but it just wouldn't settle with his stomach who seemed quite okay with collapsing on itself. He reached out to the armrest and took hold of the beer that sat there. Beer had become a welcomed friend on this trip, in fact on this trip it was his only friend. When the hell did his life get so lonely?

He sighed and took a swig before looking down at his laptop's screen and putting the bottle back on the armrest, swallowing hard. It was still a blank page, but it was one page further ahead than he was two days ago. Talking with Beckett had eased something, what it was he wasn't sure, but it allowed him to write at least a little. Now he was stuck again, and his thoughts weren't helping. He mumbled something that he didn't think was english, but it sounded harsh.

All this over just one girl. Who would have guessed that he would be sitting here in the Hamptons and pining over a NYPD Detective… gorgeous though she may be. She was gorgeous, she was stunning and she wouldn't get out of his damn head no matter how much he tried to keep her from it. Especially the last look she gave him.

That look—he had been turning that look over in his head. At the time he was so focused on himself, trying to keep the facade from cracking and showing just how deep the hole went inside him, that he didn't pay much attention to her. He couldn't otherwise he wouldn't of been able to walk away. He'd tell her everything he had felt those weeks before. He couldn't do that to her; she was with another man and she didn't need his feelings getting in the way. Her only worry needed to be about Demming and making him happy.

He took another long drink from his beer.

That look though, she looked so… what was the word? Upset? Tremulous? Worried? Maybe all of the above, and it was sticking with him. He had to of seen it wrong, he was only seeing what he wanted to see. She didn't care if he left or not, hell she tried to get rid of him a number of times. She did say she had fun this past year… that was a good sign.

He finished the beer and dropped it over the side before grabbing another from the sand beside him. He twisted the lid and started this beer off with a long draw, claiming half the bottle. He sat the bottle down in the same place as the last one and looked over to his right. He found a number of dead soldiers laying in a bed of sand on this side, glittering in the setting light. Had he really drank that much? It looked like six empty bottles and honestly he didn't even feel a real buzz going. Maybe Gina had stole all his beer and replaced it some non-alcohol crap, he wouldn't put it past her.

He bit his tongue as his gaze returned to the computer and the blinking cursor that was forever to be his enemy. The cursor was aptly named he thought with a small smile. He placed both hands on the edge of the keyboard, his fingers poised above the keys and he began to type.

Nikki was leaning heavily against the doorframe waiting in the shadows of the precinct—waiting for him. It was a normal ritual for her by now, her standing there in the doorway and him rounding the corner, sweeping her up in a deep kiss. A goodnight kiss was a wonderful thing and yet something about Schlemming felt off. Something just didn't seemed to fit into place with him in her life. What it was she couldn't quite place her finger on it, but there it was.

"Hey," She looked up from the floor to find Schlemming standing there, his 100-watt smile at full blast. He pulled in close, his hands going to her hips and then he was shot twice in the back…

Rick smiled and started to hit the backspace, deleting that last sentence and tapped his fingers gently on the keys. If only that was what happened when he had seen them kissing, or when he saw them basically necking a month ago at her desk or when he had seen Demming in her chair. The last thing kind of annoyed him the most out of it all. He was the one that had been there with her through thick and thin—hell, he saved her life at least twice that he could really count and he still wasn't allowed in her chair.

What did it matter now though?

He took another swig from his beer and held it in his mouth for a moment before swallowing. The first cracks of fireworks were beginning somewhere off in the distance and he wished he could join them. No, that wasn't really true, what he wished was that Beckett was there with him. That she had said yes and was in the wooden chair next to him, sipping on a beer and enjoying the cool breeze from the ocean. She'd have a small smile on her lips and her eyes would be closed while her sunglasses were buried in her reddish hair. He could almost see her in the empty chair beside him and he clenched his teeth until his jaw ached.

Instead she was probably having a good time at Demming's beach house this weekend, probably laying against him on a towel, a sparkler in hand that she would be waving around drawing hearts or something of that sort. He cursed his imagination just as his phone rang.

He looked over to the left armrest where the phone was vibrating and ringing, threatening to fall off and bury itself in the sand. He reached out and snatched it and at the same saved his laptop from meeting a sandy end by placing his beer bottle in the middle. He held the phone up and squinted at it, trying to read the name as bright red and blue flashes lit up the sky above him. It said Beckett.

Guess her sparkler went out. He hit the answer button and brought the phone to his ear, thumbing at the label of his beer as he answered.

"Hey," He said softly, not sure what the reason for the call could be. He hoped it was to say that her and Demming had split and she was running away to Mexico and wanted him to come along with her… or something along those lines.

"Hey," She drew it out in that cute way she could sometimes do. It was a different part of Beckett that 'hey' had come from and he was hoping that the call would only be with her. "So, Happy Fourth of July."

"To you too, you enjoying it?" He asked cautiously, looking down at his computer screen and reading what he had wrote. Sch — Demming was probably there, but why she was calling him was a little odd if he was. Maybe Demming had dozed off after… and no more thinking about that.

"Eh, kind of boring really, though I can hear someone shooting off fireworks on the block. I got the weekend off so I've just been trying to keep myself busy."

"Where are you?" He asked, confused. She had said block, did that mean she wasn't with Demming? Or were they spending the Fourth at his apartment. He shivered at the thought.

"At home? Why?"

"Nothing, just thought you and Demming would be out and about that's all."

"Oh… so you and Gina enjoying the weather down there? Bet the fireworks over the water are beautiful."

"They are," He said but he wasn't paying any attention to the flashes of color and crackling lights. He did jump at a huge bang and cursed at the beer he spilled, but that was about the gist of how much he cared. There was a swelling of hope coming up inside him. Maybe, just maybe she wasn't with Demming anymore, maybe she had broke up with Demming and wanted to be with him. And maybe he had finally lost his mind and should be committed… the last one seemed most likely.

"Good, have you… have you given anymore thought about getting together to talk?" He thought he heard a hint of hope in her voice but he was sure he was just hearing things. Maybe she needed help picking out a present for Demming… that could be both interesting and yet puke-inducing at the same time.

"Sorry, can't yet," He said feeling his heart sink as he said it. "Still working on the book."

"Aren't you way, way behind on the deadline for it?" She asked and laughed a little. It was almost musical.

"Yeah, well, I'm having issues with a character."

"Nikki?" He almost said yes but bit it back in time.

"Kind of, it's really a couple of characters."

"Maybe I can help, I am the basis for Nikki after all." She said and he felt that light heartiness creep its way back in. He was enjoying this conversation; he was happy to have someone else to talk to other than the odd crab that found its way on to the beach. Truth was he was happy to be talking to Beckett more than anything.

"I don't kno—"

"Castle, just tell me what's going on. I am good at solving things." He loved this Beckett; this happy sounding, stubborn Beckett.

"All right, fine, I have Nikki with a new guy that she is totally in love with. He just isn't working out. He doesn't seem like her type in a lot of ways and he's taking over were Rook use to fit." He blurted it all out because if he stopped he wouldn't finish. He was hoping she didn't realize how it was a veiled reference to real life, but she was a detective. He didn't even realize how much of a reference it was until he got to the Hamptons and was having trouble.

"A new guy?" She asked. Her voice sounded odd, more than thoughtful. "Why did you put a new guy in there?"

Rick wasn't exactly sure and brought his bottle of beer up, taking another drink. He was wishing he was drunk right now. This was a bad road he was heading down and he really didn't know where the turn off was. He couldn't reverse either, the only option was to play it out until something came up. His mouth was getting him in trouble again.

"Well, I figured that Nikki wouldn't be with Rook. She's annoyed with him most of the time and—" Wow, why not just come out and say it's about both of you? Christ, this was starting to become a very thin line. He cleared his throat and continued. "It just didn't seem like they'd be good together yet. She needed a guy, other than her instructor. A real relationship."

"Why though? I thought Nikki was independent and didn't need a guy in her life just to have one."

"So did I…"

"What?"

"Uh, I dunno, it just seemed like the right thing to do and he's in the book now so I can't just pull him out as he's somewhat important to the plot. He isn't just there for the hell of it, she likes him—a lot."

"Why not just have her dump him and go back to Rook? She obviously has feelings for Rook." He noticed a slight quiver in her voice. It had to just be the connection.

"She'd never do that, she dislikes Rook in that way doesn't she? Though he does discover in this book that he has feelings for her. She wouldn't break up with this guy just to be with Rook. It wouldn't be in character."

"You sure about that?"

"I think so," Rick said shrugging and took another drink, polishing off the bottle. He reached down and grabbed another and cradling the phone on his shoulder, popped the cap off.

"Well, I'm sure Rook has some girl on the side, or maybe six." She said, and he was pretty sure that another Beckett had found a way in. "So, he'll have some girl to soothe his hurt feelings and soothe something else…"

"You would think, but so far it's not playing out that way." He said slowly, and let his eyes drift up to the sky. Above him the night was littered with color and noise on all sides and he felt slightly more alone. Someone should be watching this with him.

"Oh no? Speaking of out of character…" She said and he knew she was smirking. It didn't feel out of character though, Rook was a ladies man but he wasn't safe from heartache. Nikki meant a lot more to Rook than he realized and he had toned down his playboy ways.

"I don't think he's too out of character, he cares a lot about Nikki. He does have a girl that he shows her near the end of the book. It's a way of telling her that he's okay too, but he's really not and the Reader can tell it from how he acts. Nikki can't though and she's glad he's going for a little."

"Really? So is it an ex-girlfriend?" This was where he was going to cut it off. Going too much further might make him actually tell her the truth of everything. That he was out here in the Hamptons basically all alone. That Gina was just there to make sure the book was done. He couldn't do that, one for his own stupid pride and two so that Beckett didn't worry about him. Why he thought she would he wasn't sure but he had that feeling inside that it was best this way.

"Yeah, one he really didn't get along with after a year. He isn't the problem though, the new guy is."

"I'm telling you, have her break up with him at the end. Rook and Nikki would probably be able to work things out. As long as Rook kept himself from going after every girl he saw."

"He doesn't do that."

"Really?"

"Okay, well he use to do that, but the longer he's been around Nikki the less he's done it. Especially after they got together, though she's kind of freezing him out right now."

"Why would she do that? From Heat Wave she seemed to be warming up to him quite a bit. They did sleep together after all. If she was freezing him out then she is probably just afraid that Rook would break her heart or something."

"I— hold on I got another call." He said and she gave an okay before he switched over. It was Alexis. "Hey, hold on sweetie, I have Beckett on the other line." He didn't wait for an answer before he switched over.

"Beckett?"

"Still here, who was it?"

"Alexis, I'll have to call you back." He said, and he felt a little hurt at the thought and a little relieved. This conversation was going somewhere dangerous and he knew if it continued things would get a little heated.

"Okay, uh, I hope you figure out the rest of the book…"

"Thanks, you did help just so you know. I'll talk to you later, okay?"

"Yeah," She said and if he didn't know better he'd say she sounded a bit sad. He was sure that Demming could cheer her up quite easily. "See you, Castle."

"Until then, Beckett."


	4. Here We Are

Kate was in a chair at her table, a bowl of cereal sitting in front of her going soggy. She wasn't hungry at the moment though she had felt hungry a few minutes ago. Her hunger came and went and it was starting to bother her. Looking down at the cereal now made her stomach turn and she had to look away.

She glanced over to the window, watching as droplets of rain blazed little trails along the glass. The world outside was distorted and twisted and she wondered if she was seeing the world for what it really was. A hellish place were nothing went right. She shook her head and moved the spoon, swirling the cereal.

This wasn't her. What she was doing wasn't her and she knew she shouldn't be hurting as much as she was. She couldn't stop it though, the walls helped but they broke each time she talked to him. She had told herself that she wouldn't call again, that she was done. He could call her if he really wanted to talk and if he didn't she didn't give a damn. That lasted all of about three days and she was at work most of that time. She did talk to him two days ago on the Fourth as she sat on her couch, one of his books by her side.

She had started to read it and only got to about page twenty before she felt a pang in her heart and had to put it down. It wasn't fair. His books were her escape for so many years and now? Now she couldn't even look at them without him coming back into her thoughts. She called him and he actually picked up. He sounded a little drunk; he was probably having a great time up there. She on the other hand was alone and tired as all hell. She was throwing herself into her work like she had done whenever things went bad. It kept her mind busy and kept her from worrying and thinking about anything other than the case, but she was running herself into the ground and her Captain had seen it.

She didn't want to listen to him—she didn't want to deal with being home when she could do so much more at the station, but he insisted and when that didn't work he had order her to take time off. He didn't understand that being by herself was torture because all she could do was think about how she had messed everything up for herself. Not just Castle, it was part of it, but with Demming as well and everything else. It actually annoyed her more than anything that she felt this way, but again she couldn't stop it though she tried.

Grinding her teeth she stood up, picking up her bowl and glass of juice and dumped them both out in the sink. She hadn't changed from her night clothes and it was already two in the afternoon, not that you could really tell, the entire city seemed enveloped in storm clouds. She didn't mind the lack of light though. It was soothing in a way.

She leaned heavily on the edges of the sink, her shoulders pushed up, and looked down at the swirling milk as it went down the drain. What was he doing right now? She figured he was writing, or trying too as he said he was having trouble. She was such an idiot on the phone; she was close to basically telling him that she was alone but she didn't think he picked up on it. He was smart, and he could read people as well as she could but she wasn't obvious, was she? She thought over what she had said but didn't get very far as one of the last things he said came back to her.

_I'll call you back._

He hadn't yet and she was finding herself reaching for the phone more than not and each time she scolded herself. He was probably having a good time with Gina and was too busy to call back. It wouldn't surprise her and honestly she couldn't blame him. She just wished she had someone again. Demming had tried to fix things and she almost let him but she couldn't, she just couldn't do it. Her heart wasn't in it anymore.

She so hoped he'd call at least to talk for a minute, but there was something nagging at her as she stood there looking at the white wall above her sink. He didn't seem happy, and while it could be because he was having trouble with the book it didn't fit. Maybe something had happened with Gina while down there?

_It's a way of telling her that he's okay too._

His words came back in her head and suddenly they seemed to click. She knew something hadn't fit when Gina came into the picture and how they looked together. It just didn't make sense and while she had been disguising her own fears and worries in talking about the book, could it be he was doing the same? He had used real life in Heat Wave quite a lot, could he be doing the same again? She squinted in thought.

She could be seeing only what she wanted to see but her gut was telling her that she was on the right track. The whole Gina thing was a front, she'd bet a week's salary on it. It was Castle trying to pull away and not make it look like he was really hurt. He was hurt though. She hadn't realized it at the time, mostly because she was blinded by Demming, but he was hurting and he tried his best to hide it. She saw it then but just didn't see what it was because Castle had changed. A year ago he would have kept fighting and pushing until something broke, he didn't this time. He bowed out as gracefully as he could, giving her space, when he realized that he couldn't win.

He could have though, and in the end he sort of did because she broke it off with Demming even though she wasn't completely sure at the time as to why, or what she was going tell Castle when she asked to talk to him. She was making it up as she went and if she had taken the time she probably could have told him everything before Gina had showed up… and maybe she couldn't because she wasn't sure what she was feeling at the time. She still wasn't but she knew she wanted to talk it out with him and figure it out. She wanted to be around him.

He didn't know her and Demming had broken apart and so that would be why he was keeping up the facade. He doesn't want her to think… to think what? That he wouldn't be okay? Wasn't it the same reason why she hadn't told him about her and Demming? Because she didn't want to admit she was alone and he wasn't? That she didn't want to mess up anything with him and Gina? Truth be told though, she wanted to mess it up. She wanted to be able to tell him how she felt but with the chance that he was back at Gina there was no way in hell she was going to do that.

Only one more month. He'd be back in a month, maybe even earlier if Alexis had to be back at school halfway through August. Could she wait a month? Possibly and she didn't really have a choice other than call him and tell him the truth. She wasn't going to do any such thing. She had been ready to tell him how she felt, it was his turn now. He needed to come back to her and show her that he was interested—even slightly interested in something more than what they already had.

She sighed and stood away from the sink, turning to look out to her apartment. It was small; so much smaller than her old place and she found herself slightly claustrophobic. The rain made the feeling worse and she began to drum her fingers against her leg, looking for something to occupy herself with. Nothing jumped out at her other than her cellphone sitting on the table next to the couch.

Maybe she should just call and get it over with. Tell him that she knows he and Gina aren't together and neither are her and Demming. What point would it serve though? He was in the Hamptons and she was here… with a week off to kill. No, she'd wait, he could call her first for once.

As if on cue the phone began to ring and she rushed forward, snapping it up from the charger. In one smooth motion she brought the phone up to her ear and answered.

"Beckett," She said in her normal business like tone. She realized she didn't even check who was calling.

"Hey, I told you I'd call you back." She felt all the thoughts drain out of her as she sat down on the couch. She couldn't really believe that he had actually called.

"Yes, two days ago."

"I know, sorry, been writing my butt off since the last time we talked." He chuckled slightly and it sounded like there was a storm on his end. She could hear the wind rattling against the walls and windows. "The power went out and my battery died so I had to stop for a bit."

"Well, I'm glad you could find the time to get back to me." She said slightly harsher than she meant to, but it was how she felt. As if calling her was a last resort or something.

"I picked up the phone like a hundred times, I just couldn't make the call." He said slowly, his voice soft and she had to really listen to hear it all.

"Why?" She leaned against the armrest, using it to prop up her arm that held the phone, her other hand going to her throat as it usually did when she was nervous. Her legs were curled beneath her. Why was he so afraid to call her? Demming. Of course it was because of Demming. Castle was afraid that he'd be causing a problem or something.

You'd think with how often she called him he'd get the hint. Guys were dense though and usually of no fault of their own. This time it was partly his fault, she did everything but spell it out for him. Maybe she should have.

"I'm not sure, I've been writing a lot using your advice and I'd stop for a break and look at my phone and think about calling you. I just… didn't."

"Thanks, Castle."

"Don't take it that way, please?" Did he sound worried? Yes, he did sound worried; this wasn't the normal Castle. He seemed different but in what way she couldn't quite place. "I wish I had an actual concrete reason why, but I don't."

"Have you been drinking again?"

"Yes, I _am_ a writer… but not the past two days. I've been writing Nikki and Schlemming and you were right, things did go better when I decided they wouldn't be together at the end of book."

"Schlemming?" She asked, her voice betraying just how surprised she was. He really could be petty sometimes. "Sounds a bit like Demming."

"I don't know what you're talking about," He said and she could tell he was smiling on the other side and it made her smile. Schlemming… it was really very funny when you thought about it. "Anyway, I've knocked out three chapters since we last talked, two more to go, well maybe three not sure yet."

"I thought you planned out your books."

"I do, but you can't plan out life and books are about life on some level."

"That was pretty deep, Castle. Who'd of thought you went deep." She laughed, one of the few laughs she had allowed herself in the past couple of weeks.

"The many layers of the Castle Cake could surprise you."

She laughed out hard at this, doubling over for a moment. "The Castle Cake?"

"It's tiered like a wedding cake with layers inside, but just keeps going and going." She could imagine him making little hand motions as he spoke.

"Why do I get the feeling it took you awhile to come up with that?"

He chuckled. "Because it took me most of the morning? Hey, you took the onion that didn't leave much."

"But cake? Really?"

"What's wrong with ca—Hold on Gina just came in." Kate felt her heart sink slightly. Gina was still there and it was almost half way through the summer. Could she have been wrong about it all? She was so sure though, it fit perfectly with everything.

"Phew, she just went upstairs." Her heart jump back up like it had caught an express elevator.

"Why do you sound relieved?"

"Because I am?" He said as if it was obvious, except to her it wasn't. He had invited her and she was still there which meant he hadn't kicked her out yet. If he didn't kick her out then they must be getting along at least sometimes. Maybe more than getting along.

"Yes, but why? Thought you two were getting along so well now."

"As well as before, why does it matter?"

"Uh, it doesn't was just curious as to what changed between you two. You were both all smiles and happiness when you left." She knew she was walking a thin line right now, if she pushed he'd know it bothered her and she didn't want him to know that. If he figured it out fine, but she would not be the one to tell him.

"Same old stuff, you seem awfully interested about it though."

"I'm not, look I have to go."

"Beckett, what's going on?"

"Nothing, I'll talk to you later, okay?"

"Kate—" She hit the end call button and sat the phone down beside her. Smooth, Kate—real smooth.


	5. Why Do I

Rick typed the words he had been longing to type all summer: The End.

Outside the sun was setting behind a sea of clouds, lighting the sky up as if it was on fire. The last sunset he'd see out here for a while. It was mid August and it had taken him all summer to finish Naked Heat, but he busted his butt to do it. It was worth it though because he was going back to see he daughter finally. God he missed her. There was also a bonus because he would be able to see her again.

She didn't return his calls even though he had called at least once a day since the ending of July. She was basically doing the same thing he had done in June and he didn't really know what the problem was. Maybe she was busy with Demming?

He shook his head at the thought. He knew quite well that her and Demming weren't together, or at least their relationship was on rocky ground. He figured it out easily enough when he actually thought about what they were talking about on the phone that Fourth of July night. She kept repeating that Nikki needed to break up with her boyfriend and give Rook a real try.

She probably didn't even realize she was doing it, just as he didn't realize he had done the same thing with mentioning the girl at the end, and not until much later. That girl didn't show up in the final draft because he had changed the story from the way he had originally planned, mostly from Beckett's input that night and the days before. She really was his muse.

His fingers moved to the touchpad and he moved the arrow up and hit save. He was done, finally. He was tired, feeling like he had fought some mythical monster and was about to haul its ass back to town to get his reward. He sighed as he stared at the last sentence, it was a good one; the perfect ending to the chapter and the book. Nikki and Rook weren't together, but they were moving in that direction and moving to it quickly. The next book, he decided, would probably have them dating not just sleeping with each other. That could be fun to write. He reached up and pushed the lid of his laptop down and its click echoed in the stillness of the room.

He could see his phone now, it was laying on the desk edge, charging. A small image was pulsing on the screen as if breathing. He had a message. He squinted at it, trying to remember if he had left the room that day. He couldn't think of a time other than when he had to use the bathroom, but even then he would have heard the telltale ring of the phone. He snatched it up, praying silently that it was Beckett and at the same time preparing himself if it wasn't.

It wasn't Beckett; it was another woman in his life: Gina. She had left two weeks ago when she realized how much work he was getting done on his own, and really she had her own work to do. She couldn't spend all her time banging random guys down here in the Hamptons, though it seemed like she was going to try.

He had danced around the living room when the car left with her in it, grooving to whatever was on the radio. He had no idea what song it was or by what band, but goddam did he turn those speakers up! Someone had called the police after about five minutes, but that didn't matter because it was like a celebration after gaining independence from a tyrannical queen. He did turn it down and continued to dance once the officers had left.

It wasn't long after that when the loneliness began to settle in.

He was not a fan of being by himself. It happened a lot though, even more when he was younger. As a kid he had been alone most of the time, left to his own devices and while it got him into reading and writing, he didn't exactly enjoy it. He could do it, he just preferred not to, and really who could blame him? No one liked being alone, especially for long stretches of time.

He replayed Gina's message again as he had stopped paying attention to it after she said 'hey'. It was the same old bull: book needs to be in by August 20th, and no later. If it's not she'd kill him in some gruesome way, (this time it was letting lose a pack of hyenas on him after smothering him in barbecue sauce, she got creative sometimes), and that she would demand the advance back. So on and so forth, and he deleted the message before it completed.

She'd have her book, it was sitting finished right in front of him. He just had to mail it off to her and his job would be done until the next book. He would send it tomorrow, first thing, well maybe fifth thing, it really depended on how the day went. Right now though, it was time to celebrate with a drink because he was done.

He got up carrying his phone with him and headed for the kitchen. Darkness had already fallen across the large room and he felt his way to the fridge. It was just him and he didn't see the need to put the lights on.

He pulled the door open and a sucking sound echoed in the room followed by a sliver of white light that broke out in the darkness.

The fridge was pretty sparse in the alcohol department as he had depleted most of its stores over the summer. There were still a few bottles of Sam Adams sitting in the back and that was really all he was in the mood for right now. He pulled one out, the glass bottle clinking with other objects, and closed the fridge with his foot. He gently placed the bottle down on the counter, looking out the french doors that led to the deck. The sky was a bluish purple now with foam like clouds floating lazily past a ghost of a full moon. It was a wonderful night and he kind of wished Beckett was there right then. He had been doing a lot of wishing this summer.

He sighed and popped the cap off of his beer and held it up to the darkness, a wry grin crossing his lips.

"To finishing the book, and screwing up your love life," he took a long swig from the bottle. He sat it down and looked at its darken silhouette, one was not going to be enough. Going back to the fridge he grabbed a second bottle. He went to the island and picked up the bottle that was already open, and slowly walked out onto the deck.

The cooler August wind hit him squarely in the face and he felt a chill run up his arms. Summer was almost over. The thought was bitter sweet, mostly because he didn't get to enjoy his summer all that much, having spent it bashing out pages of the book. As well as thinking about Beckett like they had just broke up. He guessed, in a way they kind of did. He was going back though. Maybe not when he first got back to the city, but he'd show up to see her.

Maybe a gift would be a nice gesture? He took another sip of his beer, looking out over the ocean. The beach was rounded and he could see a dozen or so fires burning brightly in the twilight. It reminded him a bit of troop encampments and for a moment he let his mind wander to the idea that his home was under siege.

His Castle was under siege.

He laughed loudly at the idea and shook his head. There was something wrong him sometimes. He reeled back his thoughts to the idea of a gift for Beckett. If he was right about what he had seen that day so many months ago then she might be hurting a bit. Maybe she doesn't want a relationship with him at the moment, it was very possible that she just didn't want to ruin their friendship and he'd be okay with that. At the same time though, he wanted something more with her.

It was already settled in his mind that he was going to get her something when he opened the second beer. The first thought was an advance copy of Naked Heat. It wasn't a bad idea but she should see it anyway, after all she was the inspiration for it.

It had to be something else, something nice. What though?

He wracked his mind for the better part of a half hour and full darkness had already set up shop when he came out of his thoughts. His second beer was just about empty and two was his limit for celebrating tonight. An idea for a gift would come to him, he just had to wait. There was time before he saw her, at least he was hoping he would. They never did meet to talk.

Three times she asked to meet and he blew her off each time. Now that he had a pretty good idea of what might have been going on he hated himself for doing so. He might not have had to spend the last two weeks alone. She wouldn't had to either. Why was he so scared over the idea? She was suppose to be his friend, and yet he couldn't bring himself to see her again just to talk. Finishing the book was an excuse.

He finished off the beer and sat it down next to the first one. The night was getting chilly and he almost wanted to go down to one of the fires for some company. He stopped himself though, he didn't want to mingle right now.

Maybe he should go home tonight? There was nothing keeping him there other than some cleaning and really he could just hire a maid service to take care of it. The idea was tempting. He could be home by early morning and could crash at home and tomorrow go stop by the Precinct and surprise Beckett early. Or catch a bullet, depending on her mood. Either way it'd be nice to be back home again, back in the city, and back in his chair next to her. If she'd have him still.

If not he'd at least get to see her and be home for when Alexis got back the next day from her summer program thing. He missed Alexis horribly, it was the longest they had ever been apart and to be honest part of his pain this summer was not having her there with him. Things were changing and changing fast in his life and he didn't like it. He frowned at the ocean and blinked a number of times as emotions overran him.

She'd be gone in another year or so, off to college—maybe in another country—and he'd only see her on holidays. The very thought caused his chest to hurt and he swallowed hard.

Sometimes he really wished he could turn back time. He could fix so many things if he could. Life had no rewind button though, and he had already wasted enough time dancing around in his life. Tonight he would go home and tomorrow he'd see Alexis and Beckett, and no matter what happened it would be at least a partially good day. He smiled and pushed off the rail.

Heading back inside he pulled his phone from his pocket and made two phone calls. One to Alexis which went to voicemail, and he frowned as he heard her voice. He left a quick message telling her he was coming home tomorrow and to call him back. The second call was to Esposito at the Precinct. He was hoping he'd still be there, it was after all only ten and they usuall—

"Detective Esposito." The voice broke his thoughts and it took him a second to regain what he was doing.

"Hey, it's Castle."

"Castle? What do you want?" It wasn't the greeting Rick had expected, but then again maybe he shouldn't have expected anything else. They had all seen him leave, and even though it wasn't his fault for what happened they were still Beckett's friends and work family.

"Just wanted to make sure Beckett was going to be at work tomorrow."

"I don't know, why don't you ask her? Have you even talked to her all summer?"

"A number of times, but she hasn't been picking up when I call."

"Big surprise there…"

"What does that mean?"

"Bro, she was about to tell you something important, something that she had to work up the courage to do and you just walked out of here with that trophy wife."

"What was I suppose to do? Hang out and watch her with Demming?"

"She wasn't, and isn't with Demming, bro."

What? He couldn't find his voice but that was what he wanted to ask. He had a feeling that she wasn't with Demming anymore, but he had no idea that she wasn't with him that day. He shook his head, his teeth clenched. They had really messed this all up.

"You hear me?"

"I, yeah, I heard you. I—I didn't know they split then."

"You mean she never mentioned it to you over the summer when you talked?"

"No, I swear I had no idea they had broken up that day. Christ, why didn't she say something?"

"When, bro? That ex-wife of yours was latched onto you like a barnacle."

"Will she be in tomorrow, Esposito? I need to know." Rick said, his mouth going dry and he was wishing he had another beer.

"I don't know, she should be. Are you planning on stopping by or something?"

"Yeah."

"Did you tell her that you were back in the city?" His voice was heavy as he spoke and Rick felt his muscles tense.

"I'm not yet, I'm leaving as soon as I can and I'll be back in sometime in the early morning." He was making his way upstairs now, heading to his room to pack as quickly as he could.

"Are you going to talk to her?"

"I'm going to try," Rick said, pulling his suitcase from his closet and tossing it onto his bed. "Why?"

"Just wanted to make sure before I put in for a sick day tomorrow."

"What?"

"She's going to shoot you tomorrow. You hurt her, Castle."

"She hurt me too, you know. I didn't have a way of knowing that she wasn't with Demming. I wasn't trying to hurt her, just was trying to get out of the way. I didn't want to cause a problem with her and him."

Esposito laughed gently into the phone and Rick switched ears to make sure he wasn't hearing things. "All right, that's what I was hoping to hear."

"Okay, you know I did have two beers so I might be a little confused."

"Lightweight, huh?" Another chuckle came over the phone. "Look, she'll be here at around seven, like normal. We don't have any active cases at the moment so she should be here all morning. I'll call you if we have to roll. Okay?"

"Yeah, yeah that sounds great. I appreciate it."

"Just don't hurt her again, I think of you as a partner sometimes, but I won't be pushing you out of the way of Beckett's gun if she pulls it on you."

"I completely understand. Thanks."

"See you tomorrow." The call ended and Rick dropped the phone back into his pocket before gathering up his clothes from the drawers. It was going to be a long day tomorrow, but hopefully one he'd live through.


	6. Can't Get It Right Today

Kate laid in bed with an arm over her eyes trying to block the rays of sun light shimmering from the edges of her shades. Her air condition had given out in the beginning of August and she resorted to Mother Nature to provide the cool air. It did a pretty good job, almost freezing Kate out some nights.

Right now though, she was feeling sweaty and sticky and uncomfortable, causing her to fall into that realm of being half awake and half asleep. She tried not to wake up, but it seemed that her choice didn't matter.

She turned in her bed, the sheets twisted around her bare legs, and she buried her face into the coolness of the other pillow on her bed. It lasted only a few seconds but it was enough too cool her skin. She was not liking the idea of going to work today. In fact she was pretty sure she would stay in bed all day. She sighed hot breath into the pillow and propped herself up on her elbows, her thin t-shirt sticking to her in places. She looked down at her pillow case and for a moment let her mind drift back to the dream she had last night in between fits of shivers and kicking off her sheets.

It was one of those fun dreams that she would get once in a while. This one was with Castle where they went out and had an amazing time before coming back to her place. They fell asleep in each others arms after talking and possibly some other things. She couldn't quite remember. The dreams didn't happen often, but it didn't surprise her that it had happened last night. Her mind had been running back to Castle whenever it had a free moment. She hated it.

Staring at the pillow for a moment she wondered if it really had been a dream. Of course it was, Castle was in the Hamptons.

She pushed herself over to lay on her back and in doing so felt her stomach heave just slightly. Her head pounded as well from the toll and she stared at the ceiling, her brow furrowed. Maybe she was coming down with something. She hadn't felt too well the past couple of days and she'd been working long hours… she cursed, no she could not be getting sick. Not today, and not any da—

Kate was out of her bed in a split second, her stomach heaving and dancing. She had her hand over her mouth as she made it out of her room and into the bathroom, making it to the toilet just as she was reacquainted with her dinner from last night. Okay, so maybe she was sick.

She was glad she already had her hair tied back as she dry heaved for a few moments, hanging over the toilet. Her entire body shivered and her eyes watered. She wasn't cold though, no, right now she felt like she was dying from the heat. Her entire body was slick with sweat, some even running down her nose and collecting at the tip causing it itch and she wiped at it.

It took her a few moments before she could stand, her stomach still doing a pretty little dance with her intestines. She swallowed hard against another jump and struggled to the sink. Her nose and throat burned, causing her to cough and sniff, a sickening taste ran across her tongue.

Grabbing her tooth brush she tried to clean her teeth of that acidic taste that seemed to cover her entire mouth. The toothpaste made her gag slightly but she was able to keep from throwing up. She hated throwing up.

"You have no one to blame but yourself," She said after spitting the toothpaste into the sink. She looked up and found her mirror image which looked back at her in a pale, sunken eyed copy of herself. It was her fault. She was the one working over time, spending her free time still working and eating out of vending machines and getting takeout.

She was running herself into the ground, just like when she first joined the force. She was a lot younger then, still college age and she never got sick. She didn't think she could get sick now either, but her body seemed to have other ideas. She breathed in a shuddering breath and minty cool air washed over mouth and she felt her stomach heave again. She needed to get off her feet as the swaying her body was doing was not doing her stomach any favors.

She pushed away from the sink. Her arms wrapped gently across her stomach as she made her way out of the bathroom. Her entire body was aching which made the shivers that wracked her body almost painful. There was no way in hell she was going to work today.

Pausing at the threshold of her bedroom she looked out bleary-eyed at the kitchen and living room, searching for her phone. Her muscles still felt asleep but she forced them to work until she got to the couch and fell onto it. Her stomach gurgled at the sudden motion and she swallowed hard again.

"Worst. Summer. Ever." She mumbled out, reaching for her phone as her entire arm and hand shook.

Picking it up from the side table she quickly brought her arms back to her body. She was shivering so bad that she could barely type in the number for her speed dial. She made two wrong calls before she finally got the one she wanted.

"Captain?" She asked as a voice came over the phone. She heard her teeth chatter as she talked and clenched her teeth for a moment, getting herself under control.

"Beckett? Where are you?"

"At home still, sir. I—I don't think I'm gonna be able to make it in today."

"Why? Are you all right? Did something happened?" She smiled at the worry in his tone.

"No sir, just feeling a bit… under the weather at the momen—" She didn't get to finish as she felt her throat close off before her stomach leaping up into it. She rushed from the couch, stumbling and hit the sink where she threw up the last of what was in her stomach which luckily wasn't much. She coughed again, the taste of smell of vomit filling her nose and she turned away. She took a deep breath before putting the phone back to her ear. She flipped the faucet on before she talked, trying to wash away the smell before it made her do throw up again. "Moment."

"I heard. You stay in bed, you hear me? That's an order. I'll send Ryan or Esposito over to check on you if we have some down time."

"No sir, that's not necessary, I just caught a bug, I'll be fine in a little."

"All right, but you call if you need something. You don't get out of that bed for nothing other than to use the bathroom. You understand?"

"Yes sir," She said smiling gently, feeling just a bit better. "I appreciate it sir."

"Yeah, well, take care of yourself and don't hurry back if you're not up for it. You've got enough sick time to take the rest of year off if you wanted. Now, back to bed."

"Goodbye, sir," She said and hung up the phone and placed it on the counter. She looked over to her bedroom door and she wasn't quite sure she could make it all that way. She just felt amazingly weak and tired. She wanted to go back to sleep but she wasn't sure she could with how much she ached.

A shower. It was the only thing running through her mind as she just felt disgusting? It was the only word that would fit and she moved forward, grabbing onto the counter and making her way to the bathroom, the walls and furniture her support as she fumbled her way.

She went in and closed the door before she stripped from her clothes that were clinging to her like a second skin. She reached into the tub, tuning the water on but left it mostly cold to her touch and regretted it the moment she got in. It was like ice pellets hitting her skin and she was almost sure she could see steam coming from the places the cold water hit. Great, she had a temperature, she thought as she reached down and turned the hot water on more.

She reached out with her hands to the sides of the tub and actually laid down, the water pelting off her skin and face. It wasn't exactly the most comfortable place to be but she couldn't stand any longer and she was too tired to draw a bath. This would be fine though and the water was starting to actually feel kind of nice against her heated skin.

Closing her eyes she leaned back against the tub and turned her head up. This was not how she wanted to spend her summer. Hell, this wasn't how she wanted to spend any amount of time. If she was honest with herself she was sick the past three months, not like this, but still sick. Sick of everything and what she had done. Love sick even, if you wanted to get all emotional about it. She frowned at the thought, she didn't want to be emotional about it but it still hurt slightly. The whole summer thing, with Castle and Demming and Gina and her, just sucked.

What could she have done differently? She didn't have the slightest clue on that front. She had done the best with what she had at the time, and what she had was horrible timing and bad luck. It was an excuse, she knew that, but it was a workable excuse and it made her feel better about how everything had turned out. It didn't fix anything though.

She spat some water from her mouth that had collected from running down her face, and moved her head from side to side. She could stay there all day, just letting the water cover her and soothe the ache in her shoulders, hips and legs.

He had to know by now.

She opened her eyes slowly at the thought, water droplets sticking to her eyelashes and she blinked them away.

He had to know she wasn't with Demming, and she knew he wasn't with Gina, so… why was he still out in the Hamptons? She looked down between her legs, watching the water swirl down the drain, her mind wandering over hills of thoughts.

Did he not want her in the way she had thought? No, with how much flirting he did with her she was still sure he was interested. There was no way he had completely given up on her. Then again, maybe he did. He did bow out didn't he? Only for her sake though. He didn't really want to but he wanted her to be happy and he didn't want to be in the way. At least that was how she saw it and from how he talked on the phone her guess was most likely correct.

But why stay out there? Did it really take him all summer to finish his book? She had never written a book before so she had no idea how long it normally took, but an entire summer seemed like a long time. Maybe he was clubbing or hanging around at grill parties with young college girls too much. That would make it take longer.

"Why do you this to yourself?" She said, still watching the water as it streamed down her legs in droplets before joining the pool. She groaned as she shifted her legs, her muscle protesting. She knew why she was torturing herself with images of Castle with a bunch of college girls-she didn't want to have these kind of feelings for him. The kind that made her think of a future with him. He couldn't be trusted.

Yet, he could. She ran her tongue across her teeth, tasting the water. He had saved her life a number of times, he had been there every time she had needed him, hadn't he? He even tried to stick it out with Demming around. She had really played that badly. Kissing in the station? Where the hell did her mind go? Then the giggling and talking into each other's ear while she was waiting for Castle? How awful was that?

She didn't think he cared though. He had joked and played but never seriously made a move for her. How was she suppose to know he liked her? How was he suppose to know she liked him? She shook her head, her wet hair whipping her shoulders. They really had made this complicated.

She made to stand up, her arms shaking slightly as they lifted her thin frame from the tub floor. She reached out with pruned fingers and twisted both knobs to off before stepping out and shivering like a paint mixer. She quickly grabbed her towel and wrapped herself in it as tightly as she could. The ache in the back of her head was building as she dried herself. She dressed quickly into another set of pajamas before heading back to her room. She'd pick up her clothes from the bathroom later.

She made it four steps into her bedroom before collapsing on the edge of her bed. God she hated being sick. A small little bug could knock her off her feet like a leg swept.

She groaned and mumbled curses, inventing some new ones too, as she pulled herself up into bed and brought the sheet over her. Sleep would be nice. She'd feel better after a few hours, she was sure of that. Well, she'd feel less sick, but she knew she wouldn't feel completely better until things were normal again. She smiled at the thought. Who'd have guessed that after all the fight she had put up she'd be thinking having Castle around would be normal.


	7. Some things Don't Work Out

The elevator was painfully slow and Rick couldn't stop his fidgeting. His eyes were watching the numbers as they burned brightly for a moment before jumping to the next. He wished he'd taken the stairs. This was torture.

One more floor. He couldn't wait to see the place again. A lot could change in three months and he couldn't wait to see what did. Mostly, though, he couldn't wait to see Kate.

He still hadn't decided on what he would say to her. He wasn't even sure she would take him back and let him still shadow her. He hoped they could at least get back into the old way, but a part of him was sure that old way had died when he walked out. They had both changed; their relationship had changed. It had gone backwards when all he wanted in the world was for it to move forward. He shook his head. He couldn't worry about any of it until he actually talked to her. He could see where they were then and figure out what to do to fix it.

The elevator finally hit upon the fourth floor and opened its doors to the sweeping bull-pen. It looked even busier than normal. Men and women in suits and uniforms were rushing back and forth, phones were ringing, becoming an ambient noise, and the smells were the same as he remembered: gun oil, sweat, cologne and perfume, and old wood. He breathed in deeply as he stepped out and searched the floor, looking for familiar faces. A few of the officers nodded and smiled in his direction, but none stopped to chat and all seemed to have somewhere they needed to be. He took a few steps into the main area and paused.

The sun was shining through the windows on the right, throwing blurred squares of light on the floor. There was an odd smokey haze that lingered in those beams and it swirled when someone walked through. He found Ryan moving through one such square, looking down at a piece of paper, his brow folded in thought. He rounded his desk and sat heavily in his chair, a hand going to his forehead as he read.

Dropping his hands to his pockets Rick went forward into the sea of moving people and made his way to Ryan's desk, standing to the side for a moment, just waiting. A smile started to form as the seconds ticked by. Finally Ryan looked up from his paper.

"Castle?" He said, a wide smile crossing his face and he stood up, pulling Rick into a quick hug and thumping him twice on the back. "I didn't know you were getting back yet."

Rick shrugged. "Didn't know either until earlier this morning, how's your summer been?"

"Busy as hell. Beckett has been running us ragged since it started."

"Yeah, I heard," Rick said taking the seat next to the desk and Ryan fell back into his. His face changed the moment he touched his chair and it looked almost like he was glaring. Rick drummed his fingers for a moment, not meeting his eyes.

"So you two talk this summer?" Ryan bent his head, looking at him with that glare still playing on his face.

Rick nodded. "Some," he said and swallowed. His mouth felt dry and he licked his lips. "We chatted on the phone a few times."

"Chatted?"

"Talked and stuff."

"Ah, and what did you chat about?" Ryan paused, looking out to the room with the table where they had the party the day Rick had left. "Did you chat about how you just walked out on her when she had something tell you?"

Rick swallowed hard again. He had tried to prepare himself for this, knowing that they had all seen what happened. There was some repairing to do with all of his friendships, not just Kate's. It all started with her though; if he could get that fixed then the rest should fall into place. If he couldn't… well he didn't want to think about that. If he couldn't fix him and Kate then nothing else really mattered at the moment.

"I know, I was blind to it. But no, she didn't say a word about it."

"Ah," Ryan said and twisted to look back to his desk and the paper he was reading. He was ignoring Rick and looked awfully annoyed.

"Look, I didn't know she wasn't with Demming anymore. I figured she was happy with him. I… " He paused when Ryan looked back to him, watching him carefully. "I didn't want to ruin what they had. What would you have done?"

Ryan sighed, setting the paper back down. "I don't know man, it was bad timing on everything, but did you really have to get back together with your ex-wife? Even I felt Beckett's pain from the other room. That was pretty damn harsh. Especially after how you talked about your ex. I felt just as bad for you, even though you were being an idiot."

"I didn't mean for it to be. I just didn't want to be alone the entire summer, and Gina… well she kind of forced her way in."

"You could have gone alone, would that have been so bad?"

"Come on, Ryan, alone all summer? Alexis was at a summer program, Beckett had turned me down, I didn't really have anyone else. Nothing happened between me and Gina and I spent most of the summer sitting around moping and trying to write. If I was alone the entire time I'm not sure I'd of been able to make it without going nuts."

"You seemed all right when you left."

"I was completely focused on keeping up a front. Like I said, I thought she was happy with Demming. I didn't mean to hurt her, you have to believe me."

"I do," Ryan said looking out into the bull-pen and Rick followed his gaze to Beckett's desk which sat empty. "She's been working herself to the bone since you left. Montgomery had to order her twice to take time off, and she still showed up once or twice. I've never seen her like that before."

"Speaking of Beckett, where is she?" Rick asked as he glanced over to the break room and the other rooms that surrounded the main area. He didn't see her. That worried him and made his stomach sink slightly.

"Don't know, she hasn't been in ye—"

"So, Castle finally showed up, huh?" Rick turned around at the sound of Esposito's voice and stood up, holding out his hand. Esposito took it and pulled him into a mirror of the hug Ryan had given him and stepped back. "Good to see you bro, how was the Hamptons?"

"Boring as hell," Rick said grinning. "Where's Beckett at?"

Esposito frowned and took a glance over to the Captain's office. "Cap says she called in sick. Apparently she caught a bug of some sort. Sorry, bro."

"Is she actually sick, or is she avoiding me?" Rick asked slowly, sinking back into his chair. She had avoided his phone calls for almost a month, it wouldn't surprise him if she was avoiding him now. He just wish he knew why. It wasn't like her not to face things head on, to bulldoze through and keep trucking along. Had his leaving really bothered her that much? He couldn't imagine that it did. He could see her being annoyed, possibly slightly hurt, but it was almost like it bothered her as much as it did him. Could she really care about him not being around as much as he cared? Had he really made that much an impact in her life that it mattered if he was around, or if they would see each other again?

His head was beginning to hurt, a throbbing pain building at the back of his neck, and he placed a hand to his forehead. He felt like he was in a bad dream. Kate was possibly sick, and if he had to guess she probably didn't want to see him at all. He needed to see her though and he felt like being a little selfish today. He just needed to talk to her for a minute, get her to listen and maybe things would work out.

"Dunno, Montgomery talked to her. I didn't tell her you were coming back, so if she knows she found out some other way." Rick nodded and stood and walked past Esposito and to the closed door of Montgomery's office. He tried to peer past the frosted glass but could see only blobs of objects on the other side. He reached out and rapped his knuckles against the glass causing it to rattle.

"Yes?" The voice was heavy, almost tired sounding and Rick could understand why. No one could pay him enough to take over Montgomery's job. He reached down and pushed open the door slowly, poking his head inside and taking a quick look around to see if there was anyone else there.

"Hey Captain," Rick said once he saw no one else and stepped into the room. Montgomery smiled broadly and rounded his desk, his hand extended.

"Richard Castle, didn't know you were back in town. I haven't heard your name over the scanner yet." Montgomery said shaking Ricks hand, his grip painful but Rick made sure not to let it show.

"Trying to keep a low profile," Rick said, smiling and took the seat that was offered to him. Montgomery sat on the other side of his desk, running a hand over his balding scalp. His desk was over flowing with paperwork and folders, sticky notes were everywhere like leaves on a tree. A lot had changed in three months, Rick thought as he looked over the mess. "How have you been? All your guys seem busy."

"They are. We lost two more detective jobs, and my best detective just called in sick." Montgomery shifted uneasily in his chair, his eyes locking with Rick's as he spoke. He was there that night and so Rick assumed that he had seen what happened. Another friendship he'd have to mend. All this because he couldn't be alone for the summer and couldn't let Kate get out what she wanted to. He was finally starting to fit in slightly and then he had to give a pass to Demming and it screwed everything. He understood now what those feelings he was having meant, but it was a little late; maybe too late for anything to be done.

"Beckett?"

Montgomery nodded. "She sounds pretty sick, I don't know when she'll be back in. Did you stop by just to see her, or are you planning on shadowing her some more?"

"That really depends on her."

"Well, I hope she let's you back, it's be quiet around here since you left." Montgomery said smiling. "And she's not been herself."

"How so?"

Montgomery was no longer smiling and Rick saw his eyes glance over to the whiskey flask by his desk. If Rick had to guess that flask had been getting a lot of use lately. Rick could use a swig of it.

"I can't really place it, to be honest," he said holding his hands out as he spoke. "She's just been more closed off than she has been lately. More touchy too and working herself ragged. It was hard to watch."

Rick sighed and ran a hand through his hair as he stood up. "Do you have an address for her? I haven't been to her new place yet, so I'm not sure where it is."

"You're going to go see her? You sure that's a good idea, Castle?" Rick gave a nod and Montgomery smiled before picking up his pad of sticky notes and scribbling something on it. "Take it easy, if she isn't feeling well she might just shoot you to make herself feel better."

"I'll be sure to wear my writer's vest and to bring flowers." Rick said returning the smile. Truth be told he was worried about this. He hadn't seen her in months, and while they had talked and seemed to be getting along he couldn't be sure of it. Especially as she was ignoring his calls. She was sick though, and no one should be alone when they were sick. Would she let him in though? He had a feeling he'd be in for a bit of a fight but he could be just as stubborn as she was when he wanted to be.

What was he going to do though? Kate would never let him take care of her, she'd just say thank you for whatever he brought and then kick him out. Was there really a point in him going all the way over there just to be sent home? Yes. He wanted to see her, he wanted to help her if he could, whether she wanted it or not. He'd also bring her something that might make her feel better… what that was he still wasn't sure and he didn't know if she would even accept it.

"Castle?" Rick looked up and realized he had been standing in front of Montgomery's desk, lost in thought. He offered a sheepish smile and backed away.

"Sorry, I'll see you, Captain." Rick said and made his way out of the office and into the bull-pen. Esposito and Ryan looked up and he waved to them both. When he reached the elevator he stepped in, he suddenly had a pretty good idea for a gift. He hit the first floor button with a smile, hoping he'd live through the day.


	8. Saltwater Room

A knocking sound drove into her sleep, and pulled her out of the dream she was having and back into the real world; back to where her stomach was not her friend and her head pounded like a drum with the steady beat of her heart. She opened one eye and stared out into the pale light which bathed her room. It took a moment before everything came into focus and she could make out the painting of a villa that she had hanging beside the bathroom door.

She listened. For a moment she wondered if she dreamt the noise. She kept still, her one open eye still searching out the room, her ears ready for any noise and then it came. This time three quick raps on wood. She hadn't dreamt the sound. She buried her face into her pillow, wishing that it would go away.

It came again, this time it was thuds instead of raps and she woke up completely with a groan. She turned around in her bed and looked out the bedroom door to the living room, her shoulders and legs ached with the movement. If it was Ryan or Esposito she was going to kill them. No, not just kill them, she was going to torture them for making her get up to answer the door. It was times like these that she wish she had told them about the hidden key.

Throwing off the covers, which proved harder than she imagined, she slid to the edge of the bed and dropped her legs over the side. She pushed herself up to her feet and stumbled, her arm going to her nightstand. Steading herself, she wrapped her arms around her stomach, and made her way slowly to the door. Whoever it was damn well better still be there.

Three more thuds came just as she reached the couch and took a moment to rest against it. "I'm coming, just hold on." Her voice wasn't her own, it sounded weak and sickly which made complete sense but she didn't like it.

She took another deep breath, her stomach threatening to try to throw up what she no longer had, and pushed off the couch. Her head swam and it took a moment for her to get herself stable before she made her way quickly to the door, unlatched it. She paused and looked into the peephole.

She sucked in air sharply and dropped away from the door.

It was him. What the hell was he doing here? Her fingers began to dance against her palm and she looked down at herself. He can't see her like this. She was sick and felt disgusting and there was no way she was going to let him in.

"Kate?"

She closed her eyes tightly and brought her bottom lip under her teeth. This shouldn't be happening. He should be at the Hamptons still and she should be in bed getting better.

"Kate, let me in, please?" His voice made her shiver slightly, or maybe it was just the fever—either way she shook uncontrollably for a few seconds before she went to the door and opened it, using everything she had to keep herself from swaying against the door frame.

"What do you want, Castle?" She tried to make her voice sound normal, but even to her own ears it sounded hollow and forced. She let her eyes run over his face and to his eyes. He had a good tan going, making him look even better than when he left, but his eyes… there was something there that she hadn't seen before. He was watching her closely, and his brows were arched up and he frowned.

"You don't look so well."

"Gee, thanks."

"You know what I mean," He said and held up a box he was holding. "I brought some things for you."

"Oh," was the only thing she could get her throat to push out. The box was large and he seemed to be struggling to hold it up. She hadn't expected him at all, but that he brought something? Well, that made it even nicer.

"Can I come in?" She looked away from the box and back to him, still feeling lightheaded.

"Feel like getting sick?"

"I've been sick most of the summer."

"Really?"

"In a way… can I come in? This box is getting heavy." She smiled just slightly and stood away from the door, allowing him in. She watched as he looked around the apartment, his child-like wonder in full force as he checked out everything. He had the slightest smile on his face and it seemed to fluctuate as he turned.

He finally found the kitchen and sat the box down on the counter top that split the living room and kitchen. He turned around, a grin playing on his face which slowly faded.

"You don't look too stable," He moved to her and Kate felt her skin tingle slightly when one hand wrapped around her left wrist and another gently touched her waist. "You should probably lie down on the couch."

She went with him without much resistance, partly because it was a good idea, and partly because she was too sick to argue. He helped her down gently and got a second pillow to place under her head. He was smiling and Kate felt her own smile forming. Normally she wouldn't let anyone take care of her, but right now she didn't mind too much. He was back. She was still annoyed at him, but she could let it slide for now.

"What are you doing here, Castle?" She asked, a cough escaping her. He was now rummaging in the kitchen. She couldn't quite see him as the couch was turned away from where he was, but she could hear him well enough.

"Where's your pots and pans?"

"Why?"

"Where are they?"

She sighed. "Bottom cabinet, by the stove."

"Thanks."

"Going to answer my question?"

She heard a bang come from the kitchen and closed her eyes, trying not to imagine the mess he was probably making.

"What question was that? Should you really be asking questions? You're pretty sick."

"I'll be fine, Castle. I'm not a little kid."

"No, but you are sick—Dammit," There was a moment of silence before he finished his sentence. "No one should be sick alone."

"Why'd you say dammit?" She asked, struggling to get up, but her body would not allow it. The toll of walking across the apartment had taken a lot out of her.

"Nothing to worry about, just stay where you are." She heard a few more bangs and couple more curses and wondered if he was there to make her feel better or worse. He was failing on one and doing an outstanding job on the other.

"Castle." She tried a stern voice and to her credit it came out mostly like she wanted it too. He didn't answer which made her worry even more and she tried again to stand up. She got to sitting up before a hand on her shoulder pushed her gently back down against the pillow. Standing above her was Castle with that stupid grin on his face. He had the box sitting on the back of the couch, his other hand supporting it.

"You really need to stop moving," he said and rounded the couch, sitting down and placing the box on the table. "I got you a couple of things that might make you feel better. At least I hope they do."

"Is it the cure for whatever I have?" She curled up her legs to make room for him to sit and he took the hint. "Because if not I don't know how much it'll help."

"We'll just have to see." He pulled the lid off the box, but Kate couldn't see what was inside from where she was and curiosity overwhelmed her. Rick reached in and slowly pulled out a book, looking at it for a moment before he handed it to her.

She took it from him, furrowing her brow before looking down at the book. It was one of his, his first bestseller to be exact. She looked back up at him and he must have read her confusion on her face because he smiled.

"Open it."

She did so, paging through it until she got to the title page. It was here that she stopped and looked at the handwritten note that filled up the bottom corner of the page.

"Kate,

"I know I can be a pain to you and that sometimes—most of the time—you wish I wasn't around. I've tried that and it didn't go so well." She read outloud, breaking off when the note did. She closed the book and turned her head to the side looking at him. She was feeling heat burning in her face but she guessed it was just the fever.

"I know you lost all your books when your apartment went up in flames. I thought I'd get you a new copy of each one of mine and sign it for you. Not much I know, but—"

"It's very nice of you, a little odd, but sweet. What did you mean at the end?"

He leaned back into the couch and reached out, picking up her feet and draping them across his lap. He placed a hand to her shin and she felt goosebumps run the length of it.

"It's part of a message."

"Where's the other part?"

"I'll write it on your copy of Naked Heat," he said turning to her. She looked at him through squinted eyes.

"Didn't change the title, huh?"

"Nope, sorry, once the cover art is made not much I can do."

"That's just great. By the way I saw the cover art, do you tell them what to put on it, or do I have some jackass cover artist to blame?"

"Partly, so I guess you have a jackass writer to blame as well."

"That's usually how it goes."

"Hey!"

She smiled at him and sat the book on the coffee table. She missed twice because of how weak she felt and he was running his hands along her leg causing her to shiver slightly. She tried to pull away, but her legs refused and Rick had a light grip on her. This was not how she wanted to spend being sick.

Well, okay it kind of was. She didn't exactly mind it, but she was still mad at him for what happened three months ago.

"So, what does the other part say?"

"Well, I could torture you and say you're gonna have to wait—"

"And I could kill you with my bare hands even while I'm sick."

"I wouldn't mind seeing that."

"You do notice where my foot is, don't you?" She said smiling slyly and shifted her leg. She saw it register in his eyes and he gulped.

"Right… It—" He turned as he heard a buzzer and he pushed her legs off before she could react. He left the couch and disappeared into the kitchen.

"Castle, what does the rest of the message say?" She called, feeling her stomach jump again, but she wasn't sure if it was because she was sick. There was a feeling in the back of her mind that she needed to know the rest of the message because it might just kill her to wait.

"Can't talk, cooking."

"What are you cooking?"

"Soup."

"Castle, I'm not really all that hungry." She paused and swallowed, surprised at how dry her throat was. "Though can you get me a glass of water when you come back."

"You got it," he said and she heard the fridge open and close. "And you have to eat something, it'll keep your strength up."

"Again, Castle, not a little girl."

She heard him laugh and there was a clatter of plates. "No, but I'm so use to Alexis being such a baby when she's sick."

"Is it Alexis that is like that or you?"

"Touche, but no… well, not really." He was standing at the foot of the couch, a tray held away from him. On it was a bowl of soup, steam was swirling off it in thin strands. Beside the bowl were a pack of crackers and next to that, a small glass vase with a single red rose in it. She smiled despite herself, he was so cheesy sometimes.

He sat the tray on the coffee table and Kate sat up, struggling some, and laid back against the pillow just as he handed her a cup She took it and gulped it down, her stomach cursing her as she did so, but it cleared away the dry film that coated her throat. She dropped the glass to her lap, breathing heavily.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome, I'll get you some more while you eat this." He reached down and picked up a bowl from the tray and handed it over to her. It was chicken noodle. Not exactly her favorite, but she could feel her hunger growling deep inside.

"I don't know, Castle. My stomach isn't feeling great." She said, swirling the noodles around in the yellowish broth.

"Try? For me?" He said, giving her a face like a puppy dog before standing up and taking her glass with him. She sighed and dipped the spoon in and ate a bit of it. Her stomach protested but she was able to swallow. It was actually good. The soup soothed the rawness of her throat and actually made her feel a little better. She ate another spoonful when Rick came back and sat the glass on the table in her reach.

"So? Is it any good?"

"It's not bad I guess."

"Good, I thought I messed it up there."

"It's soup, how the hell do you mess up soup?"

He shrugged with a sheepish grin. "I've managed."

She laughed and in the same moment wished she didn't. She felt the water and soup coming back up and suddenly had strength back in her legs. She rolled off the couch and made for the bathroom. She reached it just in time, throwing up mostly liquid which burned her throat and nose.

Her breathing was ragged as her stomach ended it's heaves, and it was then that she realized that Rick was down next to her holding back the loose strands of hair and had one of his hands laying gently on the back of her neck. His fingers stroked her cheek as he pulled back another strand and tucked it behind her ear.

"Sorry," he said when she looked over. His face was full of concern and worry and she shook her head at him.

"Not your fault." She was able to get out before a bit more water found it's way from her stomach. "I appreciate what you did."

"No problem, you think it's over now?" He asked, removing his hands from her and she gave a slow nod. "Okay, let's get you into bed, huh?"

"Sounds good." She said and she felt his hands go to her shoulders and he pulled her up. Together they walked out of the bathroom and into the bedroom where he helped her into bed. She was surprised at how nice he was being and he hadn't even cracked a joke yet. She could see him trying to crawl into the bed next to her but he didn't. He just placed the covers over her and looked down at her for a moment.

"Do you want me to stick around?"

"No, it's all right, I'll be fine." She said, her voice tired and quiet. Sleep seemed to be on the ball and she could feel herself already drifting.

"Okay, get some sleep, Kate." He said and she felt him kiss her on the cheek, or maybe she just imagined it, she wasn't sure. She also wasn't sure if the entire thing was a dream because the next thing she knew it was seven at night and the sun was already setting.

She was soaked in sweat and so were her sheets, but she felt better. God, she felt better than she had all summer. She guessed her fever broke while she slept and she rolled over out of the wetness of the sheets, and was stopped by her nightstand before she landed on the floor.

She opened her eyes and looked at the stand and was surprised at what she found sitting there. A stack of paper, bounded by a large metal clip, was sitting on the edge of the table. She reached out and pulled it to her. The first page was a title page and typed on it was: Naked Heat By Richard Castle.

She couldn't keep the smile from growing as she opened to the dedication page.

_To KB_

_You're still my muse. You'll never stop being extraordinary to me._

And under that, written in Rick's slanted scrawl:

_Kate,_

_I don't know if you felt the same this summer as I did, but it was torture. We both made a lot of mistakes, and I probably made more than my share, but I hope we can work through them. I'm sorry that I left before you got out what you wanted to say, but I hope the time will come again when you can tell me exactly what you wanted to that day. If you can't, then let me just say that I don't want to be away from you for that long again. I care about you, Kate. I think you care about me, but I can't tell. You can ignore what I say here and we'll go back to the way things use to be, but I hope you don't. We need to talk as soon as you're better. I'll be back to make sure you're okay._

_Yours always,_

_Rick_

She closed the manuscript and looked out in the room to see Rick standing in the doorway watching her. His expression was blank though his eyes darted over her and the manuscript.

"Sorry, was going to go, but I didn't want you to be alone in case you got sick again." His voice was soft and he seemed to be acting shy.

"Thanks, Rick." She said smiling and he returned it, making his way into the room and he sat down on the bed beside her.

"I meant it."

"I know. We do have a lot to talk about." She leaned in and kissed him, their lips barely brushing. "Thank you."

_END._

_Thanks to everyone that read, reviewed and favorited, I'm glad so many like this story and enjoyed it._


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